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Fay Tsugu (WIP)

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Fay Tsugu (WIP)

Post by Fey Tsugu on Sun Sep 11, 2016 2:36 pm

Part One
Offline

=====

+ Name: Fay , Tsugu (継ぐ)
+ Age: 17
+ Height & Weight: 1.76m 64kg Male
+ Face claim Picture:

Spoiler:
[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

+ History: (498 words)
During his childhood he was always smaller than most others and seemed to be really harmless, which made him a target of bullying. At some point then he started to fight back and the bullying stopped. Later on he started making friends. Close to graduation his best friend got into an accident while Fay and him were walking next to a construction site, because a couple workers were acting reckless and some heavy object dropped down. While Fay had been able to dodge it, his friend got caught below. Since then he's been in a coma and it's unclear, if he's ever going to regain consciousness. Fay went through a phase where he felt down and nothing seemed worth doing. He still managed to pull himself back up. Once he graduated from primary school his few friends and him went seperate ways and he started all over at a new school.
At his new school bullying was still present. This time though, he wasn't the target, but another kid, that this groupe of bullies had known from their previous school. The bullying was hard. Knowing what it was like, Fay chose to side with the bullied kid and spent time with him inside school. The only thing was, that he wasn't actually interested in that person, but felt like it was the right thing to side with him. Unfortunately the bullying also kept going outside of school, where Fay couldn't help him out.
At some point during the year the boy stopped attending school and soon they got to know, that the boy commited suicide.
This was a turning point for Fay. He began to take a backseat in everything that was happening around him and developped some kind of hatred towards himself and other people and some ways people react. He began to think about the meaning and worth in everything: conversations, actions, interactions, efforts, ... He lost his ambition for his hobbies, his studies, his relations with other people. His incapacity of helping those he wanted to help, of not having fought against the bullying, made Fay hate himself. The fact, that those at fault would just go unpunished and that he found society was partially rotten, created inside of him hatred towards others.
With time passing by, he started accepting that things were how they were but still didn't like it.
Thinking that he couldn't do anything in reality, he started writing a story about a person, that became some kind of anti-hero in a corrrupt world. In that story he acts like a judge using his power to defend his beliefs and create an area in that world, where people can live under his ideals.
His passive attitude in society has lead him to see, that people all have their different personalities. Fay then began to wonder who he was, since all he's ever done for the last couple years was to adjust his behaviour when need to get the result he was looking for.

+ Personality: (154 words)
Fay is a rather calm, distant, collected and scheming person. He seems very antisocial to most people and very social to others. It just depends in which context they got to "know" him. He doesn't actually show any clear personal traits, since the way he acts changes constantly. He realized that part about himself, which made him question his true identity. Fay also, became someone who's stressfree and avoids anything he sees as a waste of time. It's as simple as to question yourself, if you can do something about the problem: If "yes", do it; If "no" don't let it bother you. He still regrets, that he could neither help a friend that was closeby nor someonelse, because he was out of his reach and wishes, he's have had the abilities and tools to do so. Fay would also like to live in a different world, far away from this reality he detests.

+ Clothing & Accessories:
Fay likes wearing slim and stylish clothes and wears 2 bracelets around his left wrist.

Part Two
Online

=====

+ Name: Purple Creator
+ Height: 1.50m
+ Parent:
+ Weight Class: Lightweight
+ Appearance Claim:

Spoiler:

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

+ Appearance Description:
At first glance, his main body looks like a blight purple liquid, which is nearly transparent and the little pieces of cloth and armor seem to be black, but show some dark shiny purple reflection if looked at from up close. (The change of his body between liquid and solid originate from his personality, that suits his surroundings like a liquid does with a vessel, but also his ideals of a harmonious world that don't shatter. The change between the blight purple and the dark purple represents the contrast between his pure ideals and the hatred he build up.) The crystals and his eyes glow in a bright piercing purple and represent his hatred, his ability to see through people, as well as the will to jugde, what goes against his ideals.

Part Three
Details

=====

+ Stats
StatsBaseColour Bonus: PurpleTotal
Strength033
Defense101
Potency516

+ Abilities & Armaments
++ Name: Materia
++ Cost:
++ [b]Description:
Materia is an unknown matter coming out of the avatar's body. Purple Creator can change its density between liquid and solid, while still maintaining it's flexibility. Materia is like a part of Purple creator's body and can also be controlled and created over a certain range without direct physical contact with the wielder or at longer range, if in direct contact with him.
The colour of the matter changes with its density going from liquid (very blight and transparent purple) to a solid form that can become as dark as black.
Passing from liquid to solid allows Purple Creator to mold a variety of inanimate objects in different shapes, that can be used for offense and defense.

++ Weaknesses:
Materia can only be wielded freely inside a 15m radius. Outside of it, the objects can still be launched straight at high speed, but fly in a straight line, that can't be altered afterwards.
+++ Outside the 15m range, Purple Creator can only create objects, while being physically connected with them.

+ Normal Move
++ Name: Strike, Guard
++ Type: Physical
++ Description: Purple Creator attacks with materia or a part of his body.
++ Weaknesses: Purple creator is close to his target, unless he uses Materia at range.

+ Special Move
++ Name: Teleportation
++ Cost: Depends on travelled distance
Cost/Distance:
++ Description: Instantly move from one location to another, that holds materia.
++ Weaknesses: Purple Creator can only travel towards Materia and can appear in it's 4m radius.


Last edited by Fey Tsugu on Tue Sep 20, 2016 2:33 pm; edited 18 times in total

Fey Tsugu
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Join date : 2016-09-08

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Re: Fay Tsugu (WIP)

Post by Nakara on Thu Sep 15, 2016 1:04 am

Alright I suppose I can give you some critique to help point you in the right direction with this. Before I get into the app itself there are quite a few grammar errors through out this that would be nice to have fixed though not mandatory(righting > writing, suicided > committed suicide,  you change between past and present tense frequently, etc.). Running it through a spell checker wouldn't hurt either.

Starting with your history lots of "useless" information here that doesn't seem to relate to anything else in your characters bio or serve any purpose. Points in question being "Close to graduation his best friend got into an accident while Fay and him were walking next to a construction site. A couple workers were acting reckless and some heavy object dropped down. Fay was already looking their way and saw the object falling, screamed to watch out, but his friend got caught below. Since then he's been in a coma." which seems like it would be a fairly traumatic experience in itself yet for the rest of the app we see almost no reference to it having affected Fay at all which feels very strange considering how big of an event this actually is especially for someone experiencing it so young. As well as "Fay started righting a story about a person, that became some kind of anti-hero. In that story he acts like a judge using his power to defend his beliefs and create an area in that world, where people can live under his ideals." which again feels very random in the context of the rest of the app nor does it really give us anymore insight into Fay's personality than what we see in the personality section. To be clear neither of these will necessarily keep you from being approved they just feel out of place and would perhaps be better worked into the RP rather than being placed in the history. Side note is killing others off in order to create a trauma is generally frowned upon and will make getting an actual approval more difficult so with yours basically killing off 2 people your setting the bar really high for yourself if you want approval.

Alright then general writing stuff out of the way lets move on the the actual contents of the app now. First thing I notice is we see no reference to how your character actually got Brain Burst which should be in there somewhere. Your trauma seems to be feelings regret over not being able to save those around him and it seems he responds to this by trying to fix it all himself a very blue response rather than the purple that you have listed for your DA.

Moving on to your personality... so what I gather from this is he's a generic light novel MC? Perfect at everything but lazy except wait then nothing would happen so not really lazy just acts lazy. I won't say you can't do this but most people get bored of playing flawless characters like this rather quickly due to how one dimensional they are.

Finally we get to the Duel Avatar - the cumulation of everything we've looked at so far. To start I'm not sure if we're allowing pure colors like "Purple" at the moment, you'll have to ask Destination or Miale about that. Even if we are though to get approved for one you're going to need to make you're app pretty near flawless so if you really want that to be your color be prepared to put in lots more work than you would otherwise need. Additionally you can't have Sky Raker as your parent as we've yet to decide if/how cannon characters will exist in the RP and even if they are included Ash Roller is already her child so she's already given out her one install.

Next up is you're avatar's ability this should be something related to your trauma which Materia is not at all. Additionally for  those who respond to their trauma with hatred like your character they receive offensive abilities like weapons or attacks rather than utility abilities like this.

And for your special move teleportation like this is something worth being a basis of a duel avatar in itself so having that in addition to another power is a bit too much.

Well I know this has turned out a bit long and there is a good chance you feel at least a little insulted by this point but I feel its important to point out your app isn't "bad" per say in fact its fairly average we just are very strict with approval so don't give up!
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Nakara
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Posts : 188
Join date : 2012-12-11
Age : 22

Character Stats
Name: Inkwell Leviathan
Level: 1
Burst Points:
120/300  (120/300)

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