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Ryutaro Hidari - Turquoise Harbinger (Ready for any comments and edits/amendments)

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Ryutaro Hidari - Turquoise Harbinger (Ready for any comments and edits/amendments)

Post by Neo_Xtreme on Mon Dec 23, 2013 4:59 pm

First try,so there will be mistakes.

Real World

Name: Ryutaro Hidari

Age: 13

Gender: Male

Appearance:


History: Born as one half of a pair of twins to the Hidari family,Ryu and his twin brother Shotaro didn't have a normal childhood. Soon after they were born and after they were fitted with Neuro Linkers,their mother then died of a fever. Ever since,their father has held some resentment against them,blaming them for the death of his wife. He took it out on them by physically and mentally abusing them and harshly training them in their kendo training. By the time they started school,both Ryu and Shotaro were horribly bruised physically and deeply scarred mentally due to the lack of love from their father and his constant beatings.

Even in school,things were only slightly better. At first,the guys bullied them due to them being very quiet,but after the both nearly beat half a dozen older boys half to death when they were 9,all the bullies knew never to mess with them.
It only got worse when they reached junior high. A rich girl named Shirohime Kirisaki decided to make the pair of them her pets and forced them to do the most humiliating of tasks,from carrying her stuff around to licking her shoes clean. Their quiet,obedient nature only served to encourage her and made the bullying worse. None of the other students wanted to tell the teachers as Shirohimes' parents were influential members of the school board.

By the time they were 12,Ryu managed to get a copy of the Brain Burst game installed in his Neuro Linker and soon shared it with Shotaro. His Parent was none other than Shirohime Kirisaki,the girl who had bullied them relentlessly throughout their junior high years. She said that she regretted that she bullied them and wanted to mend fences with them. According to her,the reason she did those things was because she waned to see if they could handle the mental stress and thus prove to her that they could handle the Accel World and because she wanted to become a Parent before she retired from the game.

Later that night,Ryu had the most vivid and terrifying nightmare of his life. He had had nightmares before but never like this. In his nightmare,Ryu saw the sneering face and mocking voice of his father and Shirohime and all the bullies he had faced throughout his life. He cowered in fear as he saw his father raising his shinai to beat him like he always did in his childhood. A loud voice then boomed out,"RAISE YOUR HAND,BOY. FIGHT BACK AND STRIKE DOWN ALL THOSE WHO HAVE SCORNED YOU!!!". Ryu shouted at the top of his lungs,"YES!! I WANT TO FIGHT!!! GIVE ME YOUR POWER!!!". A bright light suddenly engulfed him and Ryu saw a large mace come down through the light and strike down the image of his father. The light then disappeared,causing Ryu to wake up in a cold sweat and panting heavily. He looked over at Shotaro and saw that he was awake as well due to a nightmare as well.

The next day,when Ryu and Shotaro explained to Shirohime about their nightmares,she taught them the Burst Link command and said that it was easier for her to show them. When they uttered the command, "Burst Link",the world seemed to freeze in time and they found themselves in their Local Network Avatar forms. They then activated the Brain Burst application,clicked on the name "Ruby Crackshot",and a bright light engulfed the both of them. When the light disappeared,they found themselves standing in the "Apocalypse" stage. Shirohime was in her Duel Avatar form,which was a lithe and willowy avatar armed with 2 sharp-edged throwing discs. At the top of his vision,Ryu saw the name "Turquoise Harbinger" underneath a green health bar. Looking at a mirror,he saw a tall,broad figure clad in full-body metal armour and helm. In one hand he held a large,cruelly-spiked mace. Looking over at Shotaro,he saw a skeletal figure clad in a dark-red metallic robe and holding 2 wickedly sharp throwing stars. the name "Crimson Reaper" hung below the health bar.

Shirohime then explained the basics of the Brain Burst game to the twins,telling them that the game gave them ability to accelerate their thought processes a thousand times faster than a normal human and that in order to continue accelerating,they had to fight other Burst Linkers to gain Burst Points. She also warned them that if they lost all their Burst Points,Brain Burst would be forcefully uninstalled and all their memories related to it would be erased. Soon after that,both Ryu and Shotaro started challenging other Burst Linkers. At first,they lost a lot of matches but as time went on,they became more skilled and could hold their own in a singe battle. However,it was in tag battles where they truly shined. Their teamwork in tag battles bordered on the telepathic and it was nigh on impossible to beat their teamwork together. Just several months after getting the game installed,they have developed a reputation as one of the best  tag-team partnerships in the game.

Sadly,on their 13th birthday,their father was killed in a freak road accident. It drove the twins apart,as Ryu still loved his father but Shotaro hated the old mans' guts. Shotaro then disappeared and their tag-team partnership disappeared as well.

Personality: Hardboiled. Years of his fathers' mental and physical abuse and his twin brothers' disappearance had caused him to lose almost all his emotional capabilities. He does things with a dogged seriousness and determination. he is also bookish as well as he likes to read classic literature and modern novels.

Points of Distinction: Lives alone in an apartment left by his parents. Supports himself by doing odd jobs and a trust fund set up by his parents. In the Accel World,he has vowed never to fight in any tag battles in honor of his missing twin brother.

Avatar workings

Brain Burst Avatar: Turquoise Harbinger

Appearance:


Explanation: Turquoise Harbinger was created from Ryus' deep-seated fear of his father and his hidden wish to destroy all that his father held dear. Looks like a dark knight from any fantasy-themed RPG game you might find,complete with the horned helm. His main weapon is his mace but he can use his heavy gauntlets to hit as well.

Parent: Ruby Crackshot

Stats:
Total Point : 200
- STR :85(B+)
     - DIR :20(D)
     - AMR :65(B)
- TAC :40(C)
     - SKL :30(C)
     - SDF :10(D)
- AGI :25(D)
- KG :50(B)
- ATK :50(B)
- DEF :75(B+)

Ability
-Name: Spiked Armour

-Cost: 0%

-Effect: The large spikes on his armour can damage anything it comes into contact with and protects him at the same time. It gives him an extra layer of protection over his armour.

-Weakness: The spikes are quite brittle and they don't last long. It also cannot damage ranged-type attack users. Thus,in order to defeat ranged-type attack avatars,he needs to get right up in their faces.

Killer Move
-Name: Skyfall Slam

-Cost: 75%

-Description: He jumps up using his powerful legs to a fairly high height even with his armour. Using gravity and his own weight,he then falls towards a single,fixed target and slams his mace on that point. The shockwave from this attack will affect a small area around the landing point.

-Effect: Enemies hit directly by this attack will be smashed deep into the ground. Enemies not hit directly from this attack will be disoriented from the shockwave and knocked backwards.

-Weakness: Heavy and highly-defensive avatars will probably survive a direct hit and will not be knocked back from the shockwave. Fast-moving targets can thwart this move as it can only target one location. If Turquoise Harbinger is disabled when he is doing this move,it is immediately cancelled out.


Last edited by Neo_Xtreme on Wed Dec 25, 2013 4:35 am; edited 5 times in total

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Re: Ryutaro Hidari - Turquoise Harbinger (Ready for any comments and edits/amendments)

Post by AncientHalo on Mon Dec 23, 2013 5:41 pm

To be honest, I'll make this short and to the point, other AT Members can essentially Elaborate on what I'm trying to say cause I'm tired, and I'm about to go to sleep/:

History: It's so Jumbled up, I can barely understand it, your Parent is the Girl who Bullied Ryutaro ruthlessly throughout Junior High? Try to make her the center of why he got Brain Burst, maybe igniting a friendship or something. Your History gives off the Idea that you're Level 4 already, you need to cut that down a few notches (Technically saying start at Level 1 like everybody else). Your nightmare is so vague, just random yelling about the Accelerated World, it doesn't make sense/: it should resemble his entire Trauma and his Desire that gives birth to Turquoise Harbinger.

Duel Avatar: You can only have 200 Stat Points in Total. You need to distribute that among DIR, AMR, SKL, SDF, AGI and KG. Your STR is the Sum of your DIR + AMR, and your TAC is the Sum of your SKL + SDF. AGI and Kg are their own stats.
As for ATK, you need only add SKL and DIR to get the Amount. 
For DEF, you have to add AMR and SDF. Thus letting you stay in the 200 Point Boundary. 
Also, since you're a Torquoise, you technically need to Invest more into your AMR than any other Stat. You really don't need SKL because well, you're Physical, so AMR and DIR are you best bets to invest what need for Offense, spend a few in SDF as well. And if you're planning on being a heavy DA, may as well not invest a whole lot of Speed and put the Majority of the rest of your 200 Points into the KG Stat.

Your Killer Move is fine, but to Jump up, you need to have some decent Speed and not too heavy AMR, otherwise, your Jump is gonna be like a little Baby Hop and not have much effect with what you actually want to do.
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Re: Ryutaro Hidari - Turquoise Harbinger (Ready for any comments and edits/amendments)

Post by Guest on Mon Dec 23, 2013 6:25 pm

Adding to Ancient Halo said (and by the way anyone with a Gray Name is in the Approval Team) Your History is out of sync with the sites base storyline.

You say your character received Brain Burst at the age of 13 and is now seventeen so he's been a Burst Linker for four years and has refused to move beyond level 4 because of a loyalty to his brother.

Unfortunately our base storyline, which can be read through the links below, forces RPers to be level 1 unless you get special permission from the admin of the site.

http://www.accelworldrp.com/t1475-act0-end-of-a-world
http://www.accelworldrp.com/t1485-act1-acceleration

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Re: Ryutaro Hidari - Turquoise Harbinger (Ready for any comments and edits/amendments)

Post by Neo_Xtreme on Mon Dec 23, 2013 10:43 pm

OK. Looks like I screwed up a lot. Thanks for all the feedback,guys. So I should just change the history and not kill off the twin brother??? And the Parent thing as well???

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Re: Ryutaro Hidari - Turquoise Harbinger (Ready for any comments and edits/amendments)

Post by Sado Ikaru on Tue Dec 24, 2013 12:29 am

Last I checked, Turquoise is a light blue, quite close to Cyan. This means you need more DIR than any other stat, not AMR.

EDIT: Looking at Turquoise on the color wheel, it is just a smidgen closer to green than it is to blue. Honestly, it could technically go either way.
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Re: Ryutaro Hidari - Turquoise Harbinger (Ready for any comments and edits/amendments)

Post by Neo_Xtreme on Tue Dec 24, 2013 1:52 am

Oh really?? Then I could go defensive and mobile at the same time.

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Re: Ryutaro Hidari - Turquoise Harbinger (Ready for any comments and edits/amendments)

Post by Sado Ikaru on Tue Dec 24, 2013 3:02 am

Not entirely sure about that. AMR and AGI are meant to be inversely related, but with Turquoise's white saturation, you might be able to. Also: the ranks you lists are wrong.
  • F = 0-4
  • E = 5-9
  • D = 10-29
  • C = 30-49
  • B = 50-69
  • B+ = 70-99
  • A = 100-199
  • A+ = 200-399
  • A++ = 400-799
  • S = 800+
That being said, your current stats add up to 225, so you need to remove 25 point (total) from DIR, AMR, SKL, SDF, AGI, and KG. With your current build:
  • STR: 85 (B+)
    • DIR: 20 (D)
    • AMR: 65 (B)
  • TAC: 55 (C)
    • SKL: 40 (C)
    • SDF: 15 (D)
  • AGI: 25 (D)
  • KG: 60 (B)
  • ATK: 60 (B)
  • DEF: 80 (B+)
You could keep the same Ranks for your base stats:
  • STR: 85 (B+)
    • DIR: 20 (D)
    • AMR: 65 (B)
  • TAC: 40 (C)
    • SKL: 30 (C)
    • SDF: 10 (D)
  • AGI: 25 (D)
  • KG: 50 (B)
  • ATK: 50 (B)
  • DEF: 75 (B+)
I have a couple other suggestions about increasing a couple stats, but you have to ask for it before I tell you.

EDIT: Fixed my math.
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Re: Ryutaro Hidari - Turquoise Harbinger (Ready for any comments and edits/amendments)

Post by Neo_Xtreme on Tue Dec 24, 2013 3:49 am

I'll just go with the stat build you suggested. Looks pretty balanced to me.

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Re: Ryutaro Hidari - Turquoise Harbinger (Ready for any comments and edits/amendments)

Post by Neo_Xtreme on Wed Dec 25, 2013 3:51 am

Could someone please check this out and tell me if there's anything else I need to fix? Many thanks

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Re: Ryutaro Hidari - Turquoise Harbinger (Ready for any comments and edits/amendments)

Post by Guest on Wed Dec 25, 2013 4:00 am

You still need one more ability or EA.

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Re: Ryutaro Hidari - Turquoise Harbinger (Ready for any comments and edits/amendments)

Post by Neo_Xtreme on Wed Dec 25, 2013 4:15 am

I just need a normal move right?

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Re: Ryutaro Hidari - Turquoise Harbinger (Ready for any comments and edits/amendments)

Post by Nakara on Wed Dec 25, 2013 4:26 am

It appears you have a mace just not listed, all you need to do is list that, however Great Swing is not an ability but a KM so that needs fixed too diffrence is explained here http://www.accelworldrp.com/t1665-normal-moves-killer-moves-passive-active-skills.
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Re: Ryutaro Hidari - Turquoise Harbinger (Ready for any comments and edits/amendments)

Post by Neo_Xtreme on Wed Dec 25, 2013 4:36 am

ok,edited. Hopefully,I already covered all the mistakes I made previously.

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Re: Ryutaro Hidari - Turquoise Harbinger (Ready for any comments and edits/amendments)

Post by Neo_Xtreme on Wed Dec 25, 2013 11:05 pm

Could anyone please check out my character and tell me if there's anything else i need to edit

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Re: Ryutaro Hidari - Turquoise Harbinger (Ready for any comments and edits/amendments)

Post by AncientHalo on Wed Dec 25, 2013 11:57 pm

Actually, just a suggestion on the Stats if you want to take up the offer on it, I remember actually making my own Stats if I were to use this Rpc myself. So, feel free to ask for the Suggestion if you'd like.

Well aside from that Suggestion, looking at your DA, you're still missing the Enhanced Armament (aka Mace) to go into Conjunction with your Killer Move. Also, based on your Killer Move, how big is the Actual Shockwave, how far does it spread out, Radius Wise, like 2 Meter, 3 Meter Radius, etc? At the same time, I feel like your Killer Move doesn't require so much KG to be required, maybe tone it down to like 40% to 50% Max, it's not all that devastating of a Killer Move, and can be easily avoided.

Okay, on to your history: it makes sense, up to the point where you install brain burst, post nightmare. You and your Brother in the History, shouldn't really be that far into the Accelerated World, especially as a Tag Team. They shouldn't have much of a History in Brain Burst yet, just that their Parent taught them how to fight based on their Specialty. That's about all I can suggest about your History as far as I've read, you've still got a little more to work on, but it's getting there now.
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Re: Ryutaro Hidari - Turquoise Harbinger (Ready for any comments and edits/amendments)

Post by Destination on Thu Dec 26, 2013 12:18 am

Yes, you have quite a bit to edit or add on.

First off, in your history: for what reason did Ryu and his brother receive Neuro Linkers? Not only are they fairly expensive, but if their father is still caring for them, then the NL isn't really needed. Infants only receive it to stand-in for a parent or to make up for inepitude/gifted children programmes and whatnot.

Shirohime's role is also somewhat strange here. Brain Burst depends on your reaction time and not your mental endurance; for example, Haruyuki is hardly the one who will hold out through physical torture.

There are also no prompts in the avatar creation dream: Ryu has to choose for himself what exactly does he want to do.

(On this note, if all he and his brother have ever done is to sulk at the abuse by their father's hands, then your colour would lean closer to dark purple, albeit like Noumi Seiji's.)

Another note here is purely concerning your story: twins are far more likely to end up with highly similar avatars, judging from the twin sisters Manganese Blade and Cobalt Blade. Both are samurai avatars and have tsundere personalities to boot, the only way to tell them apart is their hair. So if Ryu's brother is going to have the same reaction as Ryu (which you haven't said either) then his avatar can't be so dissimilar from Turquoise Protector.

(Either that, or simply leave out the brother. Unless you plan to roleplay him as an NPC, there's very little he can do as your non-main RP character.)

Finally, reviewing your colour again, Turquoise refers to a small range of colours between green and blue. The 'hidden wish' of Ryu to destroy, however, wouldn't fit such a highly-saturated colour - more likely, it would tend towards a purple colour and with greater saturation of black. The prompt for the BB dream again, seems to have played a factor in this, so I ask that you modify both at the same time.

I won't touch on the rest of your BB avatar save for one point: you fail to specify that the mace is an Enhanced Armament. The standard currently is that you're allowed a Normal Move, a Killer Move, and either an Enhanced Armament with a weak ability tagged to it, or a second Normal Move. If you plan to keep the mace, then the 'weak ability' isn't that much applicable, it'll just become the permissible actions Ryu can execute with the mace (swinging, thrusting, etc.)


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Rebuild Thread progress: 2/5 posts completed
To do: Rulebook, possible FAQ.
Lore: Fill up the story and integrate with current system of avatars.
==================================

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Re: Ryutaro Hidari - Turquoise Harbinger (Ready for any comments and edits/amendments)

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