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Mayumi Rin-Mauve Huntress (READY FOR EVALUATION)

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Mayumi Rin-Mauve Huntress (READY FOR EVALUATION)

Post by Forthwind on Sat Dec 21, 2013 7:18 am

Real World:

Name:  Mayumi Rin

Age:  13 years old

Gender: Female

Appearance:
Spoiler:
Face claim from Mirai, Kyoukai no Kanata.

Rin is a small girl who is only 4'5 in height and has a flat chest and small limbs. She has orange hair and eyes while always wearing eyeglasses. She likes to wear sweaters or jackets even though it is not cold and prefers to wear her uniform more than casual clothing. She has the look of a "moe" or a cute little girl but deep inside she's very scare and ferocious like a lion.

History:  
Spoiler:
Mayumi Rin came from a wealthy family. Her father is a doctor at a prestigious hospital in US while her mother is a famous ballerina dancer. Because both her father and mother busy with their work, she stays at her grandfather’s house in Shinjuku. There, they have a large land where traditional Japanese house and garden can be seen. Rin heard stories from her mother that her grandfather used to be a talented archer that even competed in the Olympics. Because almost every day she and her grandfather are together, the two grew a very great bond.  Everyday Rin practices archery under the tutorship of her grandfather when she was still 7. Her hands were still frail and weak but with hardwork and practice, she became adept at archery. However, before she can show her grandfather the fruit of their hardwork, the old man died due to cardiac arrest and because of that tragedy, Rin vowed to make her grandfather proud through the bow.

Day after day as she trains, she remembers her grandfather's teachings and words. Because her grandfather was like a father to her, Rin could not help but feel sorrowful that her only companion disappeared. At the same time, Rin knows that her grandfather only wants her to be stronger. So she disposes of sadness and pursued what she had started.

When she was 12 years old, her last year of elementary, she participated in an archery tournament in Japan. She competed fiercely in the tournament carrying the promise she made after her grandfather’s death, unfortunately, she misfired her arrow on her last attempt by 2 inches from the center of the target thus losing the match by a small margin. Despite the loss, Rin continued her perseverance to achieve the top of her hobby. However, this high self-esteem and courageous girl will disappear upon reaching middle school. Rin enrolled in a top school in Tokyo and was accepted mainly because of her parents’ influence and her archery skills. Because of her talent and her wealth, many students in the school primarily the members of the archery club were somewhat jealous of Rin’s potential. And when the time a tournament is about to come, Rin was already decided to participate on behalf of the school. But the archery club members, mostly her senpais of higher years are against the idea of a freshman to participate in a big event.

In order to prove the school wrong, the club’s ace  archer last year requested a match against Rin. Rin did not bother to pay attention to her senpais qualms and treated the match as a practice for her upcoming tournament.  As the match started, Rin did not noticed that her bow was sabotaged and as she fired an arrow, the string snapped right at the moment making the arrow lose precision and changing its direction. She was humiliated on that day.

The upperclassmen denied their involvement  of the accident while also cursing and mocking  Rin’s talent of archery. Because of that unfortunate event, Rin was stripped off her chance to enter the tournament. Every day in the club, Rin is, if not bullied, isolated by the entire archery club members. May it be because of the accident or immense jealousy of her talent. They destroy her equipment, tear of her attire, leaves her out of arrows to use and make sure she has no targets to fire at. In time, everyone hated her and Rin was alone.

Rin concluded that humans are always like this. Whenever they see something greater than them, they fear it and they decided to pull it down. Humans don’t want anything greater than them  to exist. This had always exists in mankind. Envy, one of the deadliest sins. Rin thought decided not to fight back but to avoid confronting them knowing that its not right to fight of people of low class/level than hers. Every time she is bullied, Rin musters all her strength to avoid fighting them and always remembering her grandfather’s words.

Rin, however, finally grew tired of this and decided to fire an arrow to everyone that treats her like she’s nothing but a weak, harmless child. Rin knew she’s strong, she’s brave. And, she’s not afraid to fire an arrow at anyone that tries to put her down. Rin didn't have anyone to talk to of her problems. Her parents are always away and her only true companion was long dead. As the pressure grew inside of Rin, her perspective of the world changed.. That’s how the second accident happened—

Rin who cannot handle the mental and physical isolation anymore, destroyed all the equipments of the club members. She vandalized the walls with writings and a lot of bad things. However, she was caught by the camera, and for that, needed punishment for her mistakes.

Rin was expelled from the school and was sent to a school for special education. To treat students who have mental problems at a young age and to prevent them from becoming societies delinquents a.k.a murderers. Rin’s parents were disappointed in her and told her never to use the Mayumi family name again.  Rin understood their actions. It’s only natural since she committed something evil. Rin knows that up there, her grandfather too is disappointed. With everything going south for the young girl, Rin decided to escape reality and decides to kill herself. This is when she met her future parent. One of the students in the special school stopped her from killing herself. The nameless boy offers Rin to escape reality in a more conventional and  entertaining way. Rin hesitated first but seeing the seriousness on the boy’s face, Rin accepted. After that day, with the help of an avatar named Flame Juggernaut, Rin entered the Accelerated World.

She experienced a weird dream the night after she installed BB. In that dream, she is on the ground with only a bow and a bag of arrows with her. She saw monsters scattered around her mocking her and laughing at her with faces similar to her upperclassmen. Rin gained the desire to kill them  all with her arrows. She tried to avoid fighting. She tried to let them do what they want and just ignore it but she got tired of it and wants to do what needed to be done.

Not leaving a single one alive, she felt that inside her heart. In that dream, she took the bow and arrow and fired the monster one by one killing them all. Every time she fires an arrow, her will to destroy them increases and rage grew. As it continues, the monsters started fleeing and Rin noticed that she’s finally fighting her own problems. There, she realized that she’s being tested to choose whether or not she will chase her prey or wait for them to die. Rin laughed and chose the former. Chasing the monsters like escaped rabbits.

Hunting them, killing them one by one. She never felt so happy before. She chose the path to hunt and destroy everything that tries to hurt her. On her final hunt, a monster is running fast. The probability of missing the arrow is high with Rin only having 1 arrow left. Rin smiled and fired an arrow killing the monster. "To be a huntress that can uses arrows to hunt and defeat those that wants to harm you." In that moment, a white light flashed in her eyes, Is that your WISH?

Personality: Rin is very quiet. She does not talk a lot and prefers to be alone especially after the incidents that happened to her. In real world, she does not like associating with people and is very very cold. She always use the catch phrases, "Urusai" or Shut Up, or even, "Shine" or Die if one tries to talk to her. Though deep down, she is capable of being a caring person and will do anything to protect what is important to her. But the possibility of this happening is low as she does not like people to get close to her. In brain burst, she is somewhat the opposite. She is head strong, brave, courageous, very wise and has a calm demeanor. More like the Rin of old, for Rin, BB is her new home making Mauve Huntress as the real Rin.

But at times, especially in combat, she shows signs of severity and aggressiveness that can be compared to the Rin that fired an arrow in the accident. She does not pity her opponent and is merciless. She believes that hunting a prey needs to be quick, efficient but painful. Unlike other linkers, Rin fights not for Burst Points or for gaining levels, rather she fights to please herself and escape reality. Also, Rin always thinks that her opponents are her bullies long ago, making her incapable of escaping  her past. Every time she remembers her past, she experiences severe headaches and her personality changes in her fights. Rin is a "tsundere". She likes cats and dislikes bitter and sour food as she prefers sweet ones. She enjoys archery and dislikes everyone that dislikes her.

Points of Distinction:

In real world:

- always has a poker face
- says the catchphrases "Shut Up", "Die" or "Go to Hell"
- does not care about the world
- chocolate lover


In brain burst:

- very calm but severe and merciless
- always attacks and never defends
- very beautiful and ephemereal
- has an aggressive personality


Brain Burst Avatar: Mauve Huntress

Appearance:
Spoiler:

Explanation: Her avatar's appearance is a beautiful archer with a dazzling body different from her real world persona. It comes from her trauma of being isolated due to her talent and wanting to fire an arrow at anyone that tries to harm her. Her avatar is purple hued color but is close to being blue. Though she is not close range, she is close to blue due to her way of confronting her trauma. At the same time why is she more of a long range than a mix of close/long? It's because also she wishes to be a huntress that fires arrow to hunt  her enemies making her a fitting long range avatar despite having a purple hue.

Parent: Flame Juggernaut, unknown boy

Stats:

    STR: 30 (C)


    DIR: 25 (B)AMR: 5(E)


    TAC: 80 (B+)


    SKL: 75 (B+)SDF: 5 (E)


    AGI: 70(B+)KG: 20(D)


    ==========


    ATK: 100 (A)DEF: 15(D)


Abilities and Armaments:
Spoiler:
Enhance Armament: Kyudo "The Way of the Bow"
-Cost: N/A

-Description: Kyudo in reality is a name of a famous martial arts way of the bow. It is based on kyujutsu(the art of the bow) on which the use of bow centers the way of fighting. If she unequips Kyudo, she is good as naked.

-Effect: Its a EA with its own gauge that recharges for every 2 minutes and has a stack of 10 arrows of use before emptying. It gives boosted speed and power to the arrow fired using this assist system.

-Weakness: Its weakness is it relies on the accuracy of the arrow which can be dodged and is block-able.
Spoiler:
Strike-by-Piercing
Ability
- Active
-Cost: 50% KG
-Description: "Let this arrow fly from my hands and into the hearts of the forsakens."An arrow that is surely programmed to pierce the body part of the opponent struck by the arrow if it successfully hits the target. There is however, a certain condition in order for it to pierce right through the target. It is a fitting killer move for a huntress.

-Effect: The damage dealt by this arrow is 1.10x Mauve Huntress' of the sum of Mauve Huntress' SKL and the difference between the AGI of her's and her opponent. If Mauve Huntress' SKL is higher than her opponent's SDF, the arrow will pierce right through it.

-Weakness: The arrow is still dodge-able and block-able. Its a double edge sword because if the AGI of the opponent is higher than Mauve Huntress' AGI, instead of adding to the SKL it will subtract difference of the AGI's. Its like If MV's AGI is < Opponent's AGI then SKL plus negative AGI multiplied by 1.10x is the new computed damage output.


Last edited by Forthwind on Sun Dec 22, 2013 4:32 am; edited 14 times in total
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Re: Mayumi Rin-Mauve Huntress (READY FOR EVALUATION)

Post by AncientHalo on Sat Dec 21, 2013 7:33 pm

I can see you put a tremendous amount of Effort into this Character App, and you have the same Drive that I had when I first made Violet Repulse. Don't let it die out, especially once it gets Approved in the future. That being Said, there are many Flaws in your App, and I'll do my best to point each flaw out and elaborate as to how it is a Flaw.


History:
> As far as from what I read, the only thing that stands out are the last two Paragraphs of your History, the fact that she actually did something about her bullies, almost makes it seem that she's a blue type, but your history altogether fits a Purple Duel Avatar.

>However, most Nightmares when people install Brain Burst, include some Trauma of her Past, and their Dark Desire for the most part, her trauma is the Bullying, yet she acted out on it hence in her Dream, she acted out to the bullies as well, so it confuses me slightly, but I do get the gist of it, just try to make it somewhat clearer for others because, the fact you acted out against the Bullies, almost makes you that Red Color in the Duel Avatar section.

Duel Avatar:
> The moment I started reading your Duel Avatar, I will not lie, I fell in love with the Design of it. However, that obviously can't come without some criticism.

> 1st off, you're not a pure purple color, hence you don't have to follow the exact restrictions of the Pure Purple DA's, because you don't specialize in Physicality, you can move over some of your DIR Points to your SKL Stat to make your Archery more Potent.

> Secondly, your Passive Skill is too powerful for a Level 1, it should in my opinion, just allow some System Assist with your Aiming, yes, for your Arrows to actually do something, they have to Hit their target, but because you're a Long Range Fighter, you can technically Snipe your opponents from a Distance if we allowed your Passive Skill to grant Piercing Properties to your Arrows, thus allowing only the System Assist of your Aiming with Archery, is Suffice for now until you Level Up and upgrade your Specialty a few times.
--So fix up your Passive Skill, and try to follow the mini-guideline I more or less inserted just now, it honestly is the best thing for now.

> Thirdly, Your ENTIRE Duel Avatar cannot be an Enhanced Armament, your Arrow should be the Enhanced Armament, not your Armor, not your Helmet, not the Dress, NONE of that should be an Enhanced Armament. If you wish for your Entire Duel Avatar to be an Enhanced Armament; then do so with your Level Up Bonuses, if your Specialty is Archery, it will mainly affect your Bow and Arrows, however; you can also select a few Enhanced Armaments that pertain to the rest of your Duel Avatar, they will each give you a Small Bonus, and may give you a nifty Passive/Limited Activation Skill, or much needed Stat Points towards something you need.

> ALSO, the Effect of your Enhanced Armament is too powerful, a 10 Post Duration of Stack-able +5's to your SKL Stat if your Arrows Connect? That Effect is more like something a Level 5+ Duel Avatar would have, if he/she has upgraded his/her Specialty Faithfully. Tone it down with the Effect, if shouldn't have any Drastic Effects like that until you reach the Specified Level earlier said, and that's IF you only Spend your Level Up Bonuses solely on your Specialty.
--Perhaps we can make it so that your Bow has Two Types of Arrows to choose from, Normal, and a choice of EITHER, Explosive, Stun, Flame, Freeze, etc. Arrows. But only one of those extra Arrow Types, to allows for different ways to Attack your Opponent. If another AT Member states that you should ONLY have Normal Arrows until you Level Up, then it must be that way.

> Lastly, your Killer Move, is TOO Powerful, yes it's a 100% Nuke Killer Move like my Shadow Break/Pulse, but it CANNOT be an OHKO Move at Level 1, unless you hit the Head. Perhaps you can maybe create an Estimated Damage Calculations Table based on the Body Parts that you hit. But it should NEVER be an OHKO move this Early, or possibly ever.
-Perhaps an Arrow literally cloaked in Blood would be a nice touch for Hatred, maybe boosts your SKL by 1.1x or 1.2x the Stat it already is. It should not be based around the AGI Stat at all. That's what SPD and ARM is for, to defend.

Don't get discouraged, it's a great app overall, but in all honesty, it's too OP for a Level 1, just tone it down a few notches and it should be approved within the next 2 to 5 days (roughly, not the actual timeframe it'll happen in)
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Re: Mayumi Rin-Mauve Huntress (READY FOR EVALUATION)

Post by Katie on Sat Dec 21, 2013 8:15 pm

Gadget is probably on the mark about archery; I may not be very well informed about the subject but his reasoning seems quite sound when viewed through a "common sense" perspective. That's one thing I missed, and I assume the rest will feel more nitpicky in comparison... Halo has also covered what he thinks as well, but I have rather contrasting opinions, so here goes. (Note: I'm not a part of Approval Team so don't listen to me too much about mechanics.)

History

That trauma. Bullying and eventually lashing back when she's had enough? My overall impression is that of a blue, because she didn't quit archery, similar to how Taku didn't quit kendo when faced with bullying, and the fact she responds to her situation would good old violence. It's the very direct in-the-face-of-adversity type of things.

If you want to be a purple, you should try to give off an impression of avoidance before lashing out; you tried to run away from the problem but they chased after you, so you ended up cornered and had to lash out. Purple is that "fight or flight" response, and should be viewed as something like avoiding the problem until you have to deal with it, or dealing with it and avoiding the repercussion of your actions.

Admittedly, your power set that is described later on is more fitting of a red, so think about how your character would avoid the problem than try to solve it or pretend it doesn't exist.

Personality
High octane aggressive. I understand that you're trying to portray that she's snapped and lashes out at everything, but this is very extreme and would mean that your PC would be forced to be medicated or some such. It's not really "kuudere with a touch of yandere"; kuudere implies a cold indifference that is unmistakably calm and collected, which your character certainly isn't. Yandere implies you are incredibly protective and obsessive about what you love or cherish, but what I'm seeing is a very extreme form of tsundere; a tsun so aggressive it's borderline murderous on all fronts and absolutely overshadows any dere. I guess it could overlap with yandere in that your character would do anything to protect what little she cares about, but the overwhelming hostility makes very little of that dere show.

tl;dr your character is 99% extreme murderous tsun and 1% dere. This is a long way of saying I feel like you're mislabeling some things.

Duel Avatar

Bow user. Absolutely no mention of melee capability. What? How is this purple? Purple is mixed range, like some sort of spear that doubles as a harpoon gun or electricity or sound manipulation or something. It has to be a way of combat that can be applicable to both melee and long distance. I'd suggest changing the color to say, red, I feel it fits what you desire more.

I am one of those seemingly few people who likes Marksmanship of the Huntress. I'd give it like a KG cost per arrow or something and let it pierce through stage hazards and DAs only. Defensive Enhanced Armaments and abilities that could reasonably stop it (setting the arrows on fire, creating a wall of ice, etc.) would not be pierced through, per se. Not only that, but such a piercing ability means that to make the best use of it, you need superior vision and x-ray vision so you can pull off something like sniping through walls. As it is now, blindly firing is more likely to shoot through nothing than hit at all.

I dunno what the heck about Kyudo that isn't covered by Halo.

Piercing Arrow, as everyone has said, is too strong. If you want to take the hunting motif to the extreme, make something like setting a "mark" on your opponent that allow your arrows to home in on the opponent or something. Just a suggestion.

EDIT: Upon reading it doesn't sound like an OHKO (I've been lied too ;_;)

Assuming you mean 100% unmodified physical damage are you saying it's just your STR or something? It's quite confusing. The AGI calc makes it a double-edged sword, so now I don't really see what the heck is wrong with this. (Approval Team ;_;)

Sorry, bro.

--------------------------------

As an aside, sorry if I'm too blunt or rude or anything. I don't want to be mean, I swear. ._.


Last edited by Katiera on Sat Dec 21, 2013 8:57 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Re: Mayumi Rin-Mauve Huntress (READY FOR EVALUATION)

Post by Zagrin on Sat Dec 21, 2013 8:38 pm

I'm coming here to say some lines for Dual Avatar's moves, this is just the mechanics, everyone else can deal with the other stuff:

Marksmanship of the Huntress - make it 5% per arrow, pierce is then fine.

Kyudo - No, passives aren't supposed to be powerful exactly because they don't cost anything, so I'd say change it or on the other hand could do something like capping it at a certain amount of stacks

Impetus: Looks fine to me, counters agility dumpers, not as useful against fellow agility users, it requires 100% KG therefore Marksmanship cannot be used as the cap is 100%, and by capping/changing Kyudo also keeps it in check.

Also, AT guys, it's not an OHKO, it's a nuke with the strength of it determined by ATK + the difference in AGI, look up the damage tables if you're wondering if it'll OHKO.

My opinion on the killer moves, and I'm not AT either, so dunno what it's worth.
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Re: Mayumi Rin-Mauve Huntress (READY FOR EVALUATION)

Post by Forthwind on Sat Dec 21, 2013 9:55 pm

I edited a lot of things and added some details. I edited the KM changed the ATK to SKL instead and reworked the damage output multiplier. Replaced the EA ability and removed the passive ability. allocated the stats and reworked some of it. Overall, i made some chanes. I'm ready for the next evaluation if you don't mind. thanks for the reviews.


Spoiler:
Stats:

STR: 30 (C)


DIR: 25 (D)AMR: 5(E)


TAC: 80 (B+)


SKL: 75 (B+)SDF: 5 (E)


AGI: 70(B+)KG: 20(D)


==========


ATK: 100 (A)DEF: 15(D)


Spoiler:
Enhance Armament: Kyudo "The Way of the Bow"
-Cost: N/A

-Description: Kyudo in reality is a name of a famous martial arts way of the bow. It is based on kyujutsu(the art of the bow) on which the use of bow centers the way of fighting. If she unequips Kyudo, she is good as naked.

-Effect: Its a EA with its own gauge that recharges for every 2 minutes and has a stack of 10 arrows of use before emptying. It gives boosted speed and power to the arrow fired using this assist system.
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Forthwind
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Name: Mauve Huntress
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Re: Mayumi Rin-Mauve Huntress (READY FOR EVALUATION)

Post by Nakara on Sun Dec 22, 2013 1:48 am

Okay first thing I found looking through your history is that it was constantly changing tense sometimes  being present, other past, and occasionally even future tense. This is a problem because other than hurting readability it is a HISTORY as in the past so  it should be all or almost all past tense.

Secondly as stated above there when firing a bow everyone else stands behind the shooter or equal to them in order to avoid people getting hit that needs fixed still.

Third how is she supposed to be shooting arrows at people with social cameras everywhere she would be in jail faster than you can blink.

Another thing is that the "nightmare" is not a nightmare at all it is described as being the scariest dream of Haru's life but your character just casually shoots everything from the safety of a tower. They are nightmares because they don't go in the characters favor.

If I understand right your Killer Move is a homing attack, which as Brain Burst uses real world logic is impossible for a bow user.

Finally as said above your avatar is much more a red type than a purple with its complete lack of melee capabilities. This is especially troublesome as your history definitely leans blue being just passable as purple in my opinion.
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Re: Mayumi Rin-Mauve Huntress (READY FOR EVALUATION)

Post by Forthwind on Sun Dec 22, 2013 2:29 am

its not homing.


Spoiler:
Stats:

STR: 30 (C)


DIR: 25 (D)AMR: 5(E)


TAC: 80 (B+)


SKL: 75 (B+)SDF: 5 (E)


AGI: 70(B+)KG: 20(D)


==========


ATK: 100 (A)DEF: 15(D)


Spoiler:
Enhance Armament: Kyudo "The Way of the Bow"
-Cost: N/A

-Description: Kyudo in reality is a name of a famous martial arts way of the bow. It is based on kyujutsu(the art of the bow) on which the use of bow centers the way of fighting. If she unequips Kyudo, she is good as naked.

-Effect: Its a EA with its own gauge that recharges for every 2 minutes and has a stack of 10 arrows of use before emptying. It gives boosted speed and power to the arrow fired using this assist system.
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Re: Mayumi Rin-Mauve Huntress (READY FOR EVALUATION)

Post by Forthwind on Sun Dec 22, 2013 3:16 am

finished editing the history. that's how far i can only get to. sorry for the bad english, its not my native language so i suck at it. i did my best though.


Spoiler:
Stats:

STR: 30 (C)


DIR: 25 (D)AMR: 5(E)


TAC: 80 (B+)


SKL: 75 (B+)SDF: 5 (E)


AGI: 70(B+)KG: 20(D)


==========


ATK: 100 (A)DEF: 15(D)


Spoiler:
Enhance Armament: Kyudo "The Way of the Bow"
-Cost: N/A

-Description: Kyudo in reality is a name of a famous martial arts way of the bow. It is based on kyujutsu(the art of the bow) on which the use of bow centers the way of fighting. If she unequips Kyudo, she is good as naked.

-Effect: Its a EA with its own gauge that recharges for every 2 minutes and has a stack of 10 arrows of use before emptying. It gives boosted speed and power to the arrow fired using this assist system.
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Re: Mayumi Rin-Mauve Huntress (READY FOR EVALUATION)

Post by Forthwind on Sun Dec 22, 2013 4:33 am

i changed it to 50%


Spoiler:
Stats:

STR: 30 (C)


DIR: 25 (D)AMR: 5(E)


TAC: 80 (B+)


SKL: 75 (B+)SDF: 5 (E)


AGI: 70(B+)KG: 20(D)


==========


ATK: 100 (A)DEF: 15(D)


Spoiler:
Enhance Armament: Kyudo "The Way of the Bow"
-Cost: N/A

-Description: Kyudo in reality is a name of a famous martial arts way of the bow. It is based on kyujutsu(the art of the bow) on which the use of bow centers the way of fighting. If she unequips Kyudo, she is good as naked.

-Effect: Its a EA with its own gauge that recharges for every 2 minutes and has a stack of 10 arrows of use before emptying. It gives boosted speed and power to the arrow fired using this assist system.
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Re: Mayumi Rin-Mauve Huntress (READY FOR EVALUATION)

Post by AncientHalo on Sun Dec 22, 2013 2:55 pm

Just for now, I'll give my Approval, as I haven't went through the History yet, Only the Duel Avatar Part as of right now. But I'll take Gadget's word on the History part until I get back from Church later today.
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AncientHalo
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Re: Mayumi Rin-Mauve Huntress (READY FOR EVALUATION)

Post by Destination on Sun Dec 22, 2013 6:16 pm

Halo, you're going to confuse him if you say you're going to approve him without having read through all his application; are you just basing it on Gadget's approval?

Give an approval only after the whole app has been read, I think we discussed this before.

Standing in for Halo then, I approve this char, having read the entire history and DA.


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Re: Mayumi Rin-Mauve Huntress (READY FOR EVALUATION)

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