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Chinpu Norisu / Golden Vigilante

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Chinpu Norisu / Golden Vigilante

Post by Chimp Norris on Tue Oct 22, 2013 4:52 pm

Age: 16

Name:  Chinpu Norisu

Gender: male.

Appearance: Tall broad shoulders blue eyes blonde hair wears a golfer hat always dresses classy. I am around 5'9" I usually wear a black and grey striped pull over sweater and tan khaki's underneath. I wear a maroon shirt under my sweater and i wear tan dress shoes also.

History: Born into a neglected family, I grew up sneaking away from my house and borrowing my fathers bow. I would walk the streets waiting for the chance to strike down hardened criminals in thier homes when they least expected it. With my neglection of my parents the only other person I had was Tomoko and with my silly attitude, I always came up with really bad and seemingly impossible ideas. Brain burst was given to me by a criminal that was using it to escape the police and rob stores. My usual routine is to extract data from the criminals to learn information on other criminals, before I killed them. Curious about the program when I came across the it, he noticed and in between pleads for his life he stopped and snickered. After explaining the program I extracted it from him and I forced him into a deal: he becomes my master and teaches me about this program and I let him go, beginning life anew and to take justice into his hands. The next day the crime boss of downtown Halifax comes up on the news along with a murder of a kid who was the same age as me. He went to the same school as me, and sat beside me in all my classes. His name was Tomoko Kitsu the only friend I ever had. He now is dead and the one who had killed him had already been caught. The same night filled with disgust and sadness, the nightmare came. The only thing I could see was Tomoko, bloody and with a cut in the shape of a smile around his neck. With the killer behind him laughing with a sinister grin. With tears running down my face and soft sobs, I looked up to look at them only to cry harder. I screamed saying I'm going to get revenge over and over and over again for the only person to ever care for me and to pay attention to me. A voice booming through my body commanded me to stand and to get what is rightfully mine. As I did a bow phased into my grip, I drew it back with a heart wrenching yell and pierced my target with what seemed to be a spear. I woke with sobs and cries coming from my throat.

Personality:   The way my character thinks is all about anticipation and critical reactions. I commonly act silly and out of place but when the time comes the tension I create from my seriousness could by cut by a breeze. Not having many friends and always keeping to myself the thoughts I have and the things I say are incredibly random. When it comes to being precise and articular I am pinpoint And on target.

Points of Distinction: the colors I prefer are tannish browns and dark maroons because they are sleek and can be paired with a lot other colors.

Brain Burst Avatar: Golden Vigilante
Appearance: Tall slender where's a maroon cloak and a brown hood to cover the face. The bow is twice the size but has a mind of its own and speaks regularly.

Explanation: my avatar reflects the person I don't want to be. Alone and closed away from the world. But it also reflects my need for a friend which is my bow. The bow has the same personality of tomoko and can take form of an avatar aswell but in that form he can be destroyed very easily. If he his destroyed he cannot turn into an avatar until the next duel.

Parent: The Golden Law.

STR - 35

DIR - 25

AMR - 10
------------
TAC - 35

SPL - 25

INT - 10

-----------------
AGI - 125

ATK - 40

DEF - 20

KG - 5

B&W -

Armament.

-Name: Tomoko Kitsu

-Description: A large bow that replicates the personality of my dead best friend. It is twice the size of my body. With having a mind of its own it can turn into an avatar of its own.

-Effect: The main weapon I use in a fight, Basically I'm useless without it. It allows me to engage in ranged combat but it can be destroyed with any melee attack. Used with my passive (Double Strafe) it fires two arrows.

Killer move : Judgement Bolt.
I focus my energy into a large golden spear that looks to weigh a ton. I lock onto my target then the arrow guides itself to my enemy.
Killer move cost : 100% of KG.
-Fires a single bolt that cannot be dodged.
-Locks target in place
Passive : Double strafe - all shots fire two arrows (dealing 80% each) and I can evade while shooting.
-Weakness: the weakness of my killer move is that one must have killed a player to a point of un-installation.


Last edited by Tusjecht on Sun Dec 01, 2013 4:01 am; edited 5 times in total (Reason for editing : First time post wasn't good enough.)

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Re: Chinpu Norisu / Golden Vigilante

Post by Nakara on Tue Oct 22, 2013 5:47 pm

Okay where to begin on this one, well I suppose the name is as good a place as any. Raion is a girls name not a boys, also "Truths" is not a color as the first word in all duel avatars names must be. Your appearance is way to short of a description if you aren't using a picture your should have at least a paragraph of two in order to give a good description of how your character looks.

Moving along to history it is split between your personality section and the history section which makes it hard to read. Worse than that is that your history makes no logical sense how is a kid going to go around beating up grown men, beyond this how is he avoiding the social camera's while doing this. Going even further the traumas that create duel avatars are from childhood not the day you get the program. Last point that I feel like writing up on this is that your grammar is bad to the point of making it hard to understand so this needs to be fixed as well.

On to the duel avatar part of the app is your avatar supposed to be truths vigilante or laws vigilante either way the first word is not a color so it doesn't work. Here too the appearance description is much to short. Duel avatars are the embodiment of the persons trauma and desire rather than what they don't want to be. Your bow is not listed as an EA, and your Killer move is not explained properly follow the template please. I am not even going to look at stats until you get a proper color for me to check them against.
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I edited

Post by Chimp Norris on Tue Oct 22, 2013 10:19 pm

So i changed a bit of it to add detail and fix my terrible grammar that i typed on my phone because i was in a rush.

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Re: Chinpu Norisu / Golden Vigilante

Post by Sado Ikaru on Tue Oct 22, 2013 10:48 pm

Am I the only one bothered by 1st person players?

Also: remove "The" from both avatars. /All/ duel avatars are "Color Noun".

Btw: I am on my phone right now. I don't see how grammar is affected.
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Re: Chinpu Norisu / Golden Vigilante

Post by R4yleonard on Wed Oct 23, 2013 10:19 am

Let's discuss this.
The name, I believe, is just an engrish from your ID, Chimp Norris. The name itself is uncommon EVERYWHERE (Chimp usually refers to Chimpanzee). And just like what Naka pointed. How in the world can you take out an adult. And you even outright kill them without any remorse? Also you have skill in archery to take out adults? EXPLAIN ALL OF THIS!
Next, the DA. Golden IS NOT A NOUN. The color for this should be Gold, a yellow color, which means you have to feign ignorance to the trauma, while your nightmare shows your thirst for vengeance, which means you can't become a vigilante. The ability KM also lack detail, all of it. The EA you listed can turn into another DA, which means you have the power of 2 DA in 1 package without any risk. THIS IS OP


Spoiler:

Jonquil Shadow

Stats :
Spoiler:

- STR : 20 (D)
  > DIR : 10 (D)
  > AMR : 10 (D)
- TAC : 100 (A)
  > SPL : 60 (B)
  > INT : 40 (C)
- AGI : 50 (B)
- KG : 30 (C)

- ATK : 70 (B+)
- DEF : 50 (B)


Killer Move : Anonymous
Cost : 30%
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Re: Chinpu Norisu / Golden Vigilante

Post by Neko Miale on Wed Oct 23, 2013 10:33 am

1st person is allowed.
The thing people forget to mention is that the bow cant have a will of its own and especially not reproduce someone else's persona.
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Re: Chinpu Norisu / Golden Vigilante

Post by Chimp Norris on Wed Oct 23, 2013 12:10 pm

So your saying batman isn't allowed to be batman? Because he has vengeance and he wants to be a vigilante? Something isn't right there.

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Re: Chinpu Norisu / Golden Vigilante

Post by Neko Miale on Wed Oct 23, 2013 12:16 pm

This ain't a DC comic but Brain Burst, i'd suggest rereading the mechanics and making a more plausible story >.>
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Re: Chinpu Norisu / Golden Vigilante

Post by Dranes on Wed Oct 23, 2013 12:57 pm

Wait, this kid actually kills criminals? I was avoiding this topic but damn, you serious?

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Re: Chinpu Norisu / Golden Vigilante

Post by R4yleonard on Wed Oct 23, 2013 1:00 pm

Chimp Norris wrote:So your saying batman isn't allowed to be batman? Because he has vengeance and he wants to be a vigilante? Something isn't right there.
To reply your statement, let me ask you? Who claimed Batman is a vigilante? The people. Do the people know what is driving him to become a vigilante? Nope. The difference here, Brain Burst read your memory and your mind, which is why it reflects yourself in your DA. Just think what if the people know Batman is becoming a vigilante because he wants to catch the one who killed his parents (thus, to avenge them)


Spoiler:

Jonquil Shadow

Stats :
Spoiler:

- STR : 20 (D)
  > DIR : 10 (D)
  > AMR : 10 (D)
- TAC : 100 (A)
  > SPL : 60 (B)
  > INT : 40 (C)
- AGI : 50 (B)
- KG : 30 (C)

- ATK : 70 (B+)
- DEF : 50 (B)


Killer Move : Anonymous
Cost : 30%
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Re: Chinpu Norisu / Golden Vigilante

Post by Destination on Thu Oct 24, 2013 10:19 am

So in the few days I've been busy, I've heard of your character sheet making the rounds, and decided to take a look. To say the least, I'm not the least bit impressed. ಠ_ಠ

I'll ignore your typical American teenager description for the moment; first of all, how is a kid able to beat up and kill grown men, let alone criminals? Not only do I find it a physical feat that beggars belief, the origin of the so-called killer's mentality has no origins in your history. Chinpu (henceforth referred to as CN) simply kills criminals for no reason, is that what you intend to convey? There is always an origin for complexes of any kind and upholding justice by punishing the criminal is no exception to this rule. We'd be going into psychology if I was to go deeper, so next bit of your sheet.
The part about Tomoko could have been better accepted if you had explained how he and CN had come about to be best buddies.

The first of two laws (and I stress this) regarding Brain Burst Installation is that one must have the Neuro Linker since birth. In other words, not only must CN meet the age limit, so must his Parent. BB is quite literally a kids' game and adult involvement and interaction is minimal at best and nonexistent at worst.

Halifax is a city in Canada as far as I can tell; where are we playing again? Japanese places, names, and origins please, not a romanisation of the Japanese pronounciation of Chimp Norris. Unless you have *very* good reasons to explain his unusual origins, your character's history for the most part looks like a typical Marvel superhero's origins, not a young child in Japan.
When one does receive BB, his nightmare begins on the night itself, no earlier and no later. Certainly it wouldn't wait for your friend to be murdered first.

Now given that particularly colourful history, his personality also shows rather few connections to his pastime. As mentioned earlier, the killer mentality applies here: if he has the will and motivation to kill, there has to be reasons why he does so and these reasons affect the way he acts normally. To be able to act silly despite all that suggests confidence beyond the age of 16 or the sanity of CN is questionable.

Minor point: I'm sure you're suggesting more serious than 'the tension (he) creates from his seriousness could be cut by a breeze.' Is his seriousness that insincere, or is it even humourous to him to judge and take lives as he pleases?

(And no criminal record, I see. Does he have Someone High Up supporting his actions, or he got Excuse Jail?)

Now for the more serious trangressions: your Duel Avatar.

A Duel Avatar is singular. One program, copying the soul of one person, and from this generating one avatar. From this simple logic, your bow cannot possess sentience, save for a very specific circumstance which I will not going to elaborate on. The Enhanced Armament, as its name suggests, is merely a tool or avatar part that embodies the wish of the character in its purest form, and definitely cannot change form into another avatar. Which leads me to my next point...

The avatar always reflects the wish within you. It is not necessarily a practical or circumstance-ideal avatar, because the wish of the character may not necessarily be related to combat. While Silver Crow and Sky Raker appear to be strong in close-combat power, it is merely an adaptations of the power created from their wishes to fly into combat skills. If your character wishes to fight, so be it, but he cannot logically be given an avatar opposite of the one the very bottom of his heart wishes for.

For this reason, if Golden Vigilante is useless without his bow, then I would take it to mean that all of his combat power is embodied within the bow to point he is a mook without it. A bow suggests mid- to long-range combat, which is a shade of purple closer to red. Golden is very far from this.

Finally, your moveset is too powerful. Moves are not designed as you envision in the mind's eye, the most perfect circumstance, or "*The* Shot," but what they do have are realistic, exploitable weaknesses.. Judgement Bolt thus cannot be undodgeable, auto-tracking, or locking the target in place. All three are big NOs; Brain Burst uses real-world physics, but you're describing a veritable missile.

Please rewrite the weakness of Double Strafe as well; what in the world do you mean by 'one must have killed a player to the point of uninstallation?' How is that a weakness that can be exploited to circumvent the move?

My overall thoughts? ಠ_ಠ This character is not going to earn an approval from the AT, much less me as you have seen in the other replies. You have a lot of issues regarding history development and contextualisation. Your Personality only has a weak link to the History. And your duel avatar is not to channel Chuck Norris, it is a realistically specialised fighter with weakness. 
I'm going to save the rest of my serious comments until the character undergoes some kind of major rewrite.

-Tusjecht


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To do: Rulebook, possible FAQ.
Lore: Fill up the story and integrate with current system of avatars.
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Hrm Ok

Post by Chimp Norris on Thu Oct 24, 2013 5:18 pm

Well as i see it you guys do take this seriously which isnt a problem but what my problem is, is on how you approach things. This is/was my first attempt at making an Rp application. But the way you guys "help" or "improve" a persons application is absolutely terrible. I no longer want anything to do with this so, if you would like you can delete this and i won't have any problem with it.

P.s, This Rp experience has been entirely ruined.


Last edited by Chimp Norris on Thu Oct 24, 2013 5:20 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Added something.)

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Re: Chinpu Norisu / Golden Vigilante

Post by Zagrin on Thu Oct 24, 2013 5:54 pm

Ciao!

This application must be preserved for the sake of future hilarity however! It ranks right up there with 12 year old cyborg super soldiers, I must say!
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Re: Chinpu Norisu / Golden Vigilante

Post by Destination on Thu Oct 24, 2013 6:56 pm

Topic to be locked pending further action by Admins.

You may wish to retry by creating a new thread, and getting down into the Chatbox to discuss character creation with other experienced members.


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To do: Rulebook, possible FAQ.
Lore: Fill up the story and integrate with current system of avatars.
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Re: Chinpu Norisu / Golden Vigilante

Post by Destination on Sun Dec 01, 2013 3:52 am

Chimp Norris made his account on 22 Oct, he last logged in 25 Oct.

It's been over a month with no activity from him, and he has no duplicate accounts to observe his activity.

By this reasoning, it seems safe to say that he won't be visiting again, so I'm now moving his character to 'Negative Examples.'


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To do: Rulebook, possible FAQ.
Lore: Fill up the story and integrate with current system of avatars.
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